Learning Curve

I am feeling very frustrated today..its about men..really A man..I have a hard time saying no to people especially men. Why? Is it a fear of abandonment? How they will perceive me? I am now coming to the realization that I agree to do things for people for the wrong reasons, not totally but in part. My most recent ex-if you can call him that- is going through a tough family situation currently. He needed a place to stay and I obliged. Why would I do that, you ask? I don't know..I guess part of my soul said that he can see how generous, helpful I can be, to prove what a worthy woman I can be of his affection, and possibly it might turn into a reconciliation, who knows..but then the other part of me says maybe I will see/learn a new softer, vulnerable side of him. Each day this saga continues I keep flip flopping. Would we be in contact as much if he didn't NEED me right now? Once he relocates, are we going to be closer, is he going to remain in contact with me? I wish when it came to these types of things they were very black and white. Obviously or cynically, my thoughts go to am I being used? being taken for granted?

I guess I am to blame by putting myself in this situation..possibly out of loneliness? God, that sounds pathetic..hopefully he won't be staying for much longer. I know that when I look at the situation from a bird's eye view, I realize in numerous ways I don't want him in my life romantically..he is missing many traits that are important to me in a partner. But like most women, when you see glimpses of half decent behaviour, you get hopeful. My intention is to not create a relationship based on friendship with benefits. In my core that is not where I am at this stage of my life.

As I was driving home today I started to have flashbacks of the many loser-ish men I have had the unfortunate luck to spend time with over the years. Call it succumbing to thinking I don't deserve to have a quality man in my life. The m.o. is the same for most. Struggling financially, not emotionally stable, keeping me at arm's length, no hesitation about asking for my help, fear on my part for asking for anything.

Sounds depressing, I know. I have to believe and know what my destiny is bringing for me. Devotion, connectivity, romance, friendship, real love. I know it exists for me, I suppose my anxiety is just getting the best of me.

AGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! That is my rant for the day.